* Millie Mason
* © Trichotillomania Learning Center, Inc. 2008. All Rights Reserved
Hello. My name is Millie Mason and because I love you and believe that God didn’t put us in this world to watch one another suffer, but put us here to love one another and help each other through, I would like to share a part of my life with you.
People would consider me quite ordinary. I am a 38-year-old (almost 39) woman and I have been married for 20 (almost 21 years). I am a working mother of two beautiful children (a son and a daughter). My daughter is married to a precious young man, who is a blessing to our family, and we are now happily awaiting the arrival of a new grandbaby. I enjoy crocheting, painting, drawing, cooking, sewing, singing, writing gospel song lyrics, Bible study, flowers, etc. Yet, there is one thing about me that some people would not consider quite so ordinary. I have an impulse control disorder known as Trichotillomania, or rather I use to compulsively pull out my hair. Please note that I said, “Use to.”
How many times have we heard the words, “There is not a cure for compulsive hair pulling?” I am writing this today to tell you that is not true. The question is not “what” is the cure for compulsive hair pulling, but “who” is the cure.
Currently I am 325 days hair pulling free. During the past 352 days I have not pulled a single hair from my scalp. How am I fighting this battle?
My strength to fight this battle comes from One Main Source. My strength comes from One Cure. This Source, this Cure uses many other tools to help me and I would also like to share some of those with you, but for now, I will answer the questions, “Who is the cure for trichotillomania?” “How am I fighting this battle?” The answer, Jesus Christ is the Cure. Jesus Christ is the One Main Source. Jesus Christ is my strength to fight this battle.
For years the words of Isaiah 53:5 have repeated over and over in my heart. “And with His stripes ye are healed.” (With His stripes, not my stripes.) When I began to fight the trichotillomania battle, God showed me that I could not do it alone, nor could I do it by my own strength, so I went to the One whose stripes would heal me. I went to the Lord and asked Him for His help and I laid trichotillomania at His feet. I realize that laying trichotillomania down at the feet of the Lord is hard for some to accept, but this is what the Lord led me to do and this is what I have done. When I laid down trichotillomania, Christ picked it up and carried it for me. I believe to this day, He continues to carry it and continues to heal me from this disorder.
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. God’s word tells us that all things work together for good to them that love God and “all things” includes trichotillomania. The Lord showed me that if trichotillomania was in my life, it was because He had a purpose for it and would make good of it. Trichotillomania has become my friend. I now see many blessings in it. Once I laid trichotillomania at the feet of Christ, He used it as a tool to help put my life in order, to help my deal with pains and problems from my past and to help me learn how to forgive.
During the summer of 2001 my husband and I were watching a documentary on television. As the program continued it focused on bizarre behaviors. They began to discuss trichotillomania. I wasn’t happy that trichotillomania was being classified as a bizarre behavior, but as the documentary continued, my husband and I were both glued to the television and the case in study. For the first time in my life I was viewing a person who was suffering with the same disorder that I then knew that I had. (I know that the Lord sent the precious lady in this documentary, Laura, to minister to my life and I have since then had the blessing and privilege of corresponding with her.)
As I watched the documentary, there were words that this dear lady was using to describe her bout with trichotillomania. Many of her words, could have been my words. I could relate so well to everything that was being said and this convinced me even more that I was suffering from trichotillomania. From that moment on, I knew that I wanted to get well. I prayed to the Lord for His will, His strength and His guidance and I began to walk the trichotillomania road.
I began by searching the Internet for information until I found an online support group, full of wonderful people who understood exactly what I was going through. (Brenda C’s Page) It was there that I learned many tools to fight against trichotillomania.
When I began to battle trichotillomania, with the Lord leading the way, I began to dissect my hair pulling and tried to find out why it was in my life. God’s word told me that He would use it for good, so I wanted to find the good. Through time, by researching my life, by talking about my problems and trying to resolve my problems, the Lord showed me that trichotillomania was a comfort and coping tool for me. I needed to lean on Christ for comfort and help to cope and not lean on trichotillomania. When I pulled out my hair, I thought of nothing other than pulling out my hair, the size of the root when it came out, if the hair would burn when it came out etc. I could totally escape reality, all of my problems etc.by focusing on a hair, going into a trance and pulling out the hair. When I was pulling, nothing else existed other than the hair that I was trying to pull out. I didn’t have to face anything other than that one hair.
There were times that I pulled out my hair because I was down and needed a pick me up. There were other times when I was up and needed to relax and trichotillomania became my downer. Hair pulling was my friend. I leaned on it. I needed it my life to help get me through. The Lord showed me that I needed to give trichotillomania to Him. He would then be the One to help get me through my ups and downs. He gave me the strength that I needed to face life and handle my problems. Suddenly, I didn’t need hair pulling like I had needed it in the past. I started learning new behaviors and started replacing the negative hurtful things in my life with good and positive ones.
At first, it was very tough. I was leaving a friend that I had leaned on and depended on for over 29 years. I went through a stage that was much like withdrawal from drugs. I cried. I shook. I was extremely nervous. I had vivid dreams etc. My husband would hold my hands as I fell asleep at night, so that I wouldn’t put them in my hair. I finally started sleeping with Koosh balls in my hands. At first, I gripped them all night long, but as time went on, I started dropping them, until finally, I didn’t need them at all. (Yes, God can even work through a Koosh ball.) Once, by the strength of the Lord, I came through my withdrawal period, things became so much easier.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Jesus Christ which strengthens me.
As I battled trichotillomania I clung to God and the on line support group that I felt He was using as a tool to help me. I have been blessed to meet many wonderful people that it has been a precious gift from God to get to know and become friends with. What a wonderful gift it was to find out that I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t crazy and that millions of perfectly normal people have trichotillomania too. I have rejoiced in knowing that the Lord has lead me to friends who care and understand exactly what I am going through.
In researching as to just why I pulled out my hair, the Lord used trichotillomania to reveal to me past hurts, pains, problems etc. in my life that I needed to deal with. I looked back into my life to the time before I started pulling and as I examined my life, I saw that a pattern evolved. I had to look back to my childhood. Back to elementary school, to the time just before I started pulling. First we moved from the neighborhood that I had lived in since birth, leaving all my friends behind. My precious grandfather passed away and then an uncle. Some young boys from the local high school where my dad was principal terrorized our home in the middle of the night, by throwing bottles through our window. (This incident terrorized me so much that I had to sleep with my bedroom light on until I left home to be married.) We continually received prank phone calls. When I reached fourth grade I was placed in a class where my mother was the teacher. I was expected to be perfect by the other teachers and they sometimes forgot that I was a child. The other children thought I was the teacher’s pet and tormented and ridiculed me. I worked so hard for my grades, but the other children always thought that they were given to me. Unfortunately few children like the teacher’s child. All of these events lead to the start of my pulling at the age of 9.
At first, my pulling wasn’t much of a problem. I didn’t cause any noticeable damage, but as the event in my life became worse, my hair pulling became worse. When I reached junior high school my family members were arguing quite often and I didn’t know why. When I started high school I learned the source of the problems and I was devastated. To me, the perfect home life, that I thought I had, was ruined. (Praise God, He has since then intervened in this situation.) It was during that devastating time though, that I began to pull my hair severely causing major hair loss to the top of my scalp. This pattern of pulling then continued on into my adult life when my husband and I were having problems (God has also intervened in that situation) and through anytime that I would be stressed, upset, or having problems, until last summer when my husband and I watched the documentary about trichotillomania on television. As you look at my life it is obvious to see that during painful times/stressful times in my life pulling increases and during happier times/peaceful times it decreases. The Lord revealed this pattern to me.
This situation can also be difficult for family and friends who care about the trichotillomania sufferer. To another the source of the problem looks like it is hair pulling and the loss of hair, so they will focus on that, when the real focus needs to be on the cause of the pulling. I feel like pulling is an outward manifestation of an inward pain or problem that needs to be corrected.
Today, I know that I must face life and with the Lord’s guidance, “I can!” I can’t leave anything to sit on a back burner to stew, as we say in West Virginia. When I have a difficulty or problem, I know that I must first take it to the Lord, ask Him for Guidance and then I need to talk about it. If I have a problem with someone, then I go to them and talk to them about it immediately. By doing these things, I take the need for pulling out of my life.
Recently my precious grandmother passed away. Normally something like this would of driven me to baldness, but not this time. This time, with strength from God, I faced the tremendous pain and I did not pull out one single hair.
Things that I would suggest to help fight against trichotillomania are:
1. Lay trichotillomania down at the feet of the Lord. Leave it there and don’t pick it up again.
2. Stay motivated. (Keeping in contact with my on line support group, posting and reading post, and researching trichotillomania helps me to do this.)
3. Keep your awareness up. (Note when you are pulling, why you are pulling and how much you have pulled.)
4. Start by setting small goals. (1 hour, 1 day, then 2 days, 3 days, a week etc.)
5. Replace negative behaviors with positive ones. (Spend the time that you were using to pull out your hair doing something good for someone else.)
6. Let the Lord help you face and handle all of your problems. (Don’t let anything stew.)
7. Relax (Deal with stress and get it out of your way. Be good to yourself.)
8. Examine/dissect your entire life to see when and where or possibly why your trichotillomania started.
9. Study trichotillomania and learn all that you can about it. (Possible treatments, cures etc.)
10. Check into behavior and cognitive therapy and see if they are something that you could possibly benefit from. (Not everything is for everyone.)
11. Take the astigmatism of trichotillomania away. Realize that you have it and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have done nothing wrong.
12. Instead of targeting hair pulling, you may want to see if you have a source of pulling to target.
Another tool that I find help is repeating these daily affirmations.
1. “I use to pull out my hair, but that is a thing of my past.”
2. “Today is here and this is now, and today, I no longer pull out my hair.”
3. “Pulling out my hair is something that I can no longer do.” “I just can’t do it.”
4. “I may have an urge to pull out my hair and I can’t help that, but I can help how I respond to that urge.” “I can respond to an urge by saying “No!” “I don’t have to say, “Yes!”
5. “This is my hand, which God created for good.” ” I am in control of it and I don’t have to let it raise to my head, to pull out my hair, just because an urge tells it to do so.” “My hand will follow God and not an urge.”
Each one of us is significant in this world and created for a purpose. The Lord loves us very much and we all have a major part to play. What we want, what God wants, and whom we want to be and who God wants us to be matters. We are each important. If we want to be pull free and if we want full heads of hair. If these are our desires, then we should have them. The only way that I feel that I can get these things is to let God help me to give myself a gift. The gift I continually work on giving myself is a “pull free present” wrapped in bows of hair.
Trichotillomania was a subconscious reaction to negative problems/stress/events in my life. Now I want all the behaviors in my life to be conscious based actions that I have decided for myself, and not merely a reaction to something negative.
I’ve always had a little motto that keeps me going,”If you want to be pull free, then just do it!” Some would say this is easier said then done, but then, God is on our side, so that makes things pretty easy. I pulled out my hair for over 29 years and with strength from God, I am 100% pull free. I have the fullest head of hair that I have ever had, with no bald patches at all. And anything that God will do for me, He’ll do for you. You can be pull free too.
As I said in the beginning, because I love you, I wanted to share this part of my life with you. I want to help end your suffering and I want to be a tool for Christ and a blessing to your life, but I also would like to send a caution to anyone who is trying to become hair pulling free. Before you try to quit pulling, try to find out why you are pulling or what could of possibly caused your pulling. I leaned on trichotillomania for over 29 years and before I could quit pulling; my need for pulling/my source for pulling had to be taken away. The Lord taught me and showed me many things, for which I am very thankful, before the need for pulling left me. Take it small step-by-step, one day at a time, target your source and in your time and God’s time, you will be pull free too.
My love and prayers are with you all!
Your friend in Christ,
Millie Mason
milliejc at hotmail dot com
